Adult ADHD!?

Early in my “serious” working life I went through a phased obsession with online personality tests. A wave of ego-fueled excitement would wash over me when into my inbox landed the Meyers-Briggs kind that allowed me to feign self-awareness and also discover I had more in common with Oprah than previously thought. According to personality tests, I am an introvert because I like alone time but also an extrovert because I publicly share this fact.

Last year I discovered a new sense of self-awareness that I wasn’t looking for however, through the NIDA course that I attended I learned a lot about myself and in turn grew my confidence and self awareness. I’m not awkward, I do not lack self esteem however recently, some old self doubts started to creep in and I felt like I might be getting depressed.

This new sense of self awareness and ability of self reflection opened up a whole new possibility to me that I never ever considered. There are many things that I am capable of and can achieve, but something stands in my way? Was it motivation or self control? Was I bored or depressed or could there be a neuropsychological underpinning for much of my mood and behavior.

Concentration, motivation and routine have always been difficult for me but I always thought that I was just a little bit lazy. University didn’t go so well for me, not one of my three attempts. I did reasonably well at school, I was clever enough to get decent marks with minimal homework (what could be done in the night before a task was due) and at work I’m much the same. I lose stuff, I forget to important things (like pay fines or put petrol in the car), I’ve learned to do things as soon as I think of them or I will forget. If you watched me do chores at home you would find it hilarious, I work like a fly buzzing seemingly erratically from one direction to another. I am always multi tasking. My brain zigs and zags all over the place. I have a quick temper and cry when I’m frustrated. I can’t commit to routine, I’m always more aware of back ground noise than the conversation I am in and the white space on a page is very hard for me to ignore in order to actually read the words. I am easily agitated (the sound of typing on a keyboard can force the need for me to take a walk around the block). I am an impulsive eater/drinker/shopper/talker, I fidget all the time, and I often blurt out impulsive comments at meetings. I use the wrong word or name for things all the time and I don’t even realise - I know what I mean and I’m surprised when someone picks me up on it. Numbers look the same to me, e.g. 3170 and 180 can look the same to me. My attention to detail is appalling (a problem given the job I hold). At night my mind races so fast I cannot sleep, so I sometimes have a drink or two (or three or…..) to slow down my mind or more recently, I over exercise. I am also tired all the time from the effort to focus.

Since the age of about 15, I have felt bored. Always.

Recently I discussed this with my GP. It was the bravest thing that I have ever done. I told her exactly what I have written above and I got a bit emotional but I didn’t cry. She listened and proposed the idea that I may have Adult ADHD and referred me to a Psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis.

30 years old and I find out that I may have ADHD. Huh! Words fail me at this point in time; I really don’t know how to express the frustration/anger/relief/excitement that I may have a treatable condition that accounts for so much of my behavior.

So on 7 April I will see the shrink and let you know how it goes…. In the meantime I will continue reading about the condition and share my thoughts with you.